September 2004

very day, Jerome begins his work by telling himself his favorite story: I'm not valued around here. They're heaping on the work just to see when I'll break, so that I'll quit. I'm sure to be passed over for promotion. You can just see his shoulders sag when he walks into the office.

His co-worker has her own favorite story: This company's president is a critical and demanding control freak, who shuts me out of every decision but expects me to know everything.

Every day, we tell ourselves enough of these kinds of stories to fill a library: Why my supervisor closed her door today. Why the client rejected my proposal. What my co-worker meant when he laughed at my question. Why my subordinates are being so difficult. How I'm such a failure.

And on, and on, and on. And that's just at work. What about the stories we tell ourselves at home?

We live our lives as if the stories are true. We act and react, often in pain, from our often mistaken understanding of another's words or actions, our assumptions about why they are saying or doing what they are, and our thoughts about how those people—and we, ourselves—should be different.

Stories Damage Relationships—at Work and at Home

Yet, it is these stories, and the emotions that come from the stories, that are usually the source of the pain and/or discomfort we feel in our relationships, whether at work or at home. We want to blame another, but in reality, it's usually our thinking that is causing the discomfort, says Byron Katie, author of the best-selling book Loving What Is.

For example, Katie says, when you think the thought, "My father shouldn't be so judgmental," you might get angry, resent his advice, his belief that he knows best. You might avoid him or not listen to what he has to say about anything. You might be silent or rude when you're with him.

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