October 2004

colleague who just heard your presentation at work is giving you some feedback that you were too quiet, didn't get to the point quickly enough and lacked a compelling example.

Your breathing goes shallow and your body stiffens, your heart speeds up, and you look around to see if anyone is in earshot of this conversation. You worked for days trying to perfect this presentation—days!

Faced with the often-difficult experience of feedback—in our work and personal lives—many of us respond in unproductive ways. But taking in feedback from others, both positive and negative, is imperative if we are to experience the satisfaction that comes with enhanced competence and improved relations.

It is possible—and necessary—to think positively about feedback.

Typical Reactions to Feedback

When given difficult feedback, most of us find that we do one or more of the following:

Pretend. We say little, disguise any hurt or humiliation, push the feelings way down and eventually act like it never happened. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Defend. We justify our actions, give explanations, point out reasons. There was so much happening last week, I didn't end up with nearly the time I needed to prepare. Oh, and the microphone wasn't working so well today.

Deny. Denial automatically makes the other person wrong. I didn't see a problem; I'm great at what I do.

Interrogate. We ask for proof that there is any truth to the feedback. Well, if you want me to understand what you're trying to get at, I'll need some specific examples.

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